He's thirty-four, earns £85,000 a week and is regarded as a Premier League star. On the face of it, it's a fairytale situation.

Only now the Jamaica international has revealed in a candid confession just how hard he had it in life when he was experiencing mental anguish. "I just hated football. But I put up a fight and started therapy," Antonio confided at the outset.

Because of his mental state, he didn't even celebrate last year's Conference League triumph with his teammates in Eden. Instead, he simply went to sleep...

It got to the point where he was praying that he would get injured and not have to play. He said his mental state was affected by the breakup with his partner and his experiences with his closest friends from school. Apparently, it was only visits to a therapist that helped him.

Sleep instead of celebrations

The outwardly happy star has brushed off the unexpected issues in a candid confessional with presenters Jake Humphrey and Damian Hughes. Antonio recalled how West Ham won their first major trophy in more than 40 years in Prague and wild celebrations broke out. But he was exhausted by events off the pitch and went to sleep in his hotel instead.

"I was going through a divorce at the time and I honestly couldn't cope. The whole team went out, won and celebrated for two days. I took the bus with the team to the hotel and went to sleep there," he explained. "I was mentally exhausted because of everything that was going on outside football, so the others enjoyed the party but I went to sleep."

It took six months before he began to appreciate the Hammers' huge 2-1 win over Fiorentina. "It wasn't until December that I thought. 'Oh my God, I've won the European Cup'," the West Ham mainstay recalled on the High Performance podcast.

The first signs that he was heading for trouble mentally came in December 2022. But the game when it came, we might have won," he says, adding that he didn't even feel like going into the next games. "I said to myself that I really don't enjoy this. I was pretty negative when I am otherwise a very positive person," he stated.

Hoping to get injured

The discomfort also manifested itself in the fact that he stopped scoring goals. He felt exhausted. "I prayed for an injury. I said I just wanted to get injured, I wanted some time off," Antonio confessed. "And then I went away with Jamaica (in November) and did a knee ligament," he said.

But his mind also wandered to how his life would have changed if he was no longer playing football. "I told myself I was thirty-three and I couldn't go on like this. If this continues, I won't get another contract," the West Ham forward admitted, adding that thoughts of the end of his career were in his head.

Antonio figured that the problem is primarily due to the fact that he had been playing football for sixteen years, the breaks between seasons are short, and on top of that, he had to constantly watch himself. All this was compounded by the separation from his wife, Debbie Whittle, whom he married in 2017.

"The result was one thing, I hated football, I found it boring, it was always on and on. On top of that, people were always berating you and criticising you, so it just became a job.

"It didn't matter how much I loved football before, it just became a job," Antonio stated.

Finding a therapist

However, he wanted to address the situation and approached several therapists. He spoke to club doctors and physiotherapists, West Ham and the players' association also had expert counsellors available. But he wanted someone independent, so he started paying his therapist. He also fundamentally changed his view on the issue. "I thought therapy was for crazy people. But I put up a fight and I have to admit that therapy changed my life.

"It was embarrassing at first, I won't lie. You're sitting in a room, someone was there saying 'How are you?" he said.

"And your natural response is 'Fine'. He said: 'So why are you here?'"

Antonio, who arrived at West Ham for £7 million from Nottingham Forest in 2015, claims football has always been an escape for him from ordinary worries. Now it was suddenly different.

"Like when my dad died, I went to the football and I could put it out of my mind for two hours," Antonio explained, adding that recent events have turned his life upside down.

"And when I told the therapist all this, I cried. It was uncontrollable, but I was very relieved," the attacker admitted.

He has been attending therapy sessions for two years, but the expert wants him to learn to live without attending. "It's crazy that when someone referred to me, it was as a confident person. But I was just always given a goal that I wanted to reach. In doing so, I couldn't relax," Antonio claimed.

Distrustful of people

"Growing up, I experienced a lot of trauma. So I avoided dealing with myself then. But therapy changed me in that way," he said, adding that he couldn't just sit at home. He said he was always looking for something. In short, Antonio opened his soul to the therapist and there were more tears. "At the same time, I always believed I was the happiest person there is," he noted.

His tough upbringing in South London also had an impact on the formation of his personality. "I tried to make friends at primary school, but I wouldn't say I made a best friend. Eventually, I think I found a few friends. It's just that then when they did something, they said I did it. Since then, I've been distrustful of people,"

Antonio admitted, adding that if it weren't for therapy, he would never have spoken so openly on the podcast. But now he's thinking about the future. He has three years left on his contract at West Ham and is happy at the club. He is looking forward to the next challenge under the new manager.